For those following my crazy love story, the mental exercise of an internal ‘closure conversation’ has so far done wonders. I woke up this morning with no emotional pain at all and it feels like this is going to last.
It is 13 months since our ‘conflict’ which ended with me saying that I would never contact her again. I was able to mentally get over her about 4 months after the fight. But emotionally, I have stayed tied and in deep emotional pain for all of this time despite the many attempts to break the emotional connection.
Yes, of course I have tried to figure out the ‘why’. In looking for answers, I uncovered one major emotional wound that I had suffered as a child that had never healed. I won’t go into it here because this post is about the current love saga, but no, I was not abused. The important part is that I have since done the work and healed my wound.
So, my childhood wound is likely one of the reasons for the ‘why’ but not the only one. Based on having no hard evidence, my best guess as to ‘why‘ I was unable to break this connection is that it is really 3 connections, emotional, psychic and spiritual, all in one. Further, it is either created by (or ordained by) the Divine. Yes, I know this statement sounds crazy, but if you actually felt what I have felt, you would know that it is entirely possible.
So, now that I have detached (so it seems) what if for some reason she wanted to talk, would I? Yes, absolutely. And what if she wanted to give things another try? Well, I would need to see that she is at least trying to heal whatever she needs to. If so, nothing would make me happier than to try again.
I don’t know if she knows how much I was hurting. I believe that she was in pain too because all of what I felt was not mine. Much of the hurting was hers, I’m sure. If she knows about my pain and feels guilty, I would try my best to get her to understand that her prior behavior was that of the wounded child within. Who would hold a wounded child responsible? No one. But now, as an adult she needs to work on resolving any old wounds and get healthy.
The big question for me is, ‘can I stay detached and still have love for her?’ Yes, I can. And, what if I am not meant to be with her? What if God’s plan was only for the two of us to spark a transformation in each other? Should I seek someone else to take her place? Well, I wasn’t looking for love when I met her. It just happened. I am not out now seeking a replacement. I love my single life. In almost 29 years of being alone, ‘she’ is the only one who I ever even thought about possibly living with. That said, if God intends for me to be with someone else, He will make it unmistakably known to me and I will follow His will. I am His soldier, forever. 🙂
PS: I guess I really needed to vent. No way was this post supposed to be this long!