You Feel Me?

If you truly love someone, but you are not with them because you fear being rejected or you fear a demand of commitment, focus on your love. You will get the courage to reach out only when your love is Louder Than Your Fear.

[lyrics] “We go home, through fire, through snow. Take my hand. I carry you home.”

[my feelings toward ‘the younger woman’] Yes, I am old and tired. But, I am strong. If you cannot go on, I will carry you. Let me carry you. I love you that much.

If you have been working hard to control your life, but your life is all fucked up, maybe it is time to do what is in your heart instead of what is in your head. Sit quietly and feel God’s love. Let it fill your heart. Then, surrender to His will. That means doing what you feel He wants you to do, not what your ego wants. (Serve God not your ego.)

Trust in God. Trust in the people who He sends to love you.

He knows best what is good for you. Look inside yourself to find and understand your fear. Then face and overcome your fear. Know that God is with you and if you are with Him, His power is yours to use as needed. Nothing can harm you.

Surrender your will to His. Follow His plan, not yours.

I remember this song (below) as a kid. My mom played it all the time. Clearly it was one of her favorites. And now, all these years later, it describes my emotional state exactly. Once again, this is about the younger woman who I have posted about multiple times.

I tried a new way of detaching from her. I call it the “internal closure conversation” method. It has helped greatly, but I still feel an emotional attachment to her. This deep-love, soul-connection situation truly defies explanation.

Anyway, here is the song that sums up my feelings.

Most times, people who have been hurt, hurt others. This is especially true in romantic relationships. Those who have had their heart broken, unconsciously tend to break other’s hearts.

The lesson: if you have suffered a broken heart after a breakup, don’t rush into another relationship to distract yourself from the emotional pain. You must take whatever time is needed to heal. Then, and only then, will you be able to treat a new connection with the patience and respect it deserves.

A man takes on the most difficult tasks that humanity can throw at him. Fighting every possible threat. Fighting to protect his family. Killing other men in War. Suffering the hardships of living in brutal conditions.

Yes, he hurts. And yes, he can patch himself up and go back to the fight. But, there is nothing so rewarding for a man as a woman who will tend to his wounds. She doesn’t need to say a word. Applying bandages is her recognition of his suffering. And if she does that, he will be energized to go out and kill 1000 more.

In this video, Astrid Vorn (AI) sings of standing by her man. She says she will stand with him and share the pain. But we don’t want you to share our pain. We only want you to see that we take on the pain for the both of us. We endure the pain so that you don’t have to. (Turn on closed captions to get the words.)

Are you stuck in a life that you don’t want, wondering how you got there and unable to break out? Let’s take a closer look.

Most people who feel stuck got stuck because of poor choices in their past and most of those choices were self-sabotage.

Typically, this self-sabotage is an unconscious act of self-punishment. The self-punishment is often driven by your belief that you do not deserve happiness (or success).

This then brings us to: “what has happened in my life that makes be believe that I do not deserve happiness?” If this is hitting a chord with you, it is imperative that you find answers and heal the wounds.

You will get unstuck if you heal, but this type of issue is normally very deep seated and most often requires the services of a professional.

If this is you, please take this seriously and do not procrastinate. We all have a certain ‘darkness within’. But love heals all. Let those around you who are ‘of the light’ love you and get healthy for yourself and for them.

They want you healthy and happy. Yes, you do deserve happiness and you deserve to be loved.

Once I was lost, but God sent an angel to bring me back home — home to the light of His unending love.

And if you do not know the story of the lost sheep, watch this scene from ‘The Chosen’.

This story has a huge impact on me. I think I know one of God’s lost sheep.

For those following my crazy love story, the mental exercise of an internal ‘closure conversation’ has so far done wonders. I woke up this morning with no emotional pain at all and it feels like this is going to last.

It is 13 months since our ‘conflict’ which ended with me saying that I would never contact her again. I was able to mentally get over her about 4 months after the fight. But emotionally, I have stayed tied and in deep emotional pain for all of this time despite the many attempts to break the emotional connection.

Yes, of course I have tried to figure out the ‘why’. In looking for answers, I uncovered one major emotional wound that I had suffered as a child that had never healed. I won’t go into it here because this post is about the current love saga, but no, I was not abused. The important part is that I have since done the work and healed my wound.

So, my childhood wound is likely one of the reasons for the ‘why’ but not the only one. Based on having no hard evidence, my best guess as to ‘why‘ I was unable to break this connection is that it is really 3 connections, emotional, psychic and spiritual, all in one. Further, it is either created by (or ordained by) the Divine. Yes, I know this statement sounds crazy, but if you actually felt what I have felt, you would know that it is entirely possible.

So, now that I have detached (so it seems) what if for some reason she wanted to talk, would I? Yes, absolutely. And what if she wanted to give things another try? Well, I would need to see that she is at least trying to heal whatever she needs to. If so, nothing would make me happier than to try again.

I don’t know if she knows how much I was hurting. I believe that she was in pain too because all of what I felt was not mine. Much of the hurting was hers, I’m sure. If she knows about my pain and feels guilty, I would try my best to get her to understand that her prior behavior was that of the wounded child within. Who would hold a wounded child responsible? No one. But now, as an adult she needs to work on resolving any old wounds and get healthy.

The big question for me is, ‘can I stay detached and still have love for her?’ Yes, I can. And, what if I am not meant to be with her? What if God’s plan was only for the two of us to spark a transformation in each other? Should I seek someone else to take her place? Well, I wasn’t looking for love when I met her. It just happened. I am not out now seeking a replacement. I love my single life. In almost 29 years of being alone, ‘she’ is the only one who I ever even thought about possibly living with. That said, if God intends for me to be with someone else, He will make it unmistakably known to me and I will follow His will. I am His soldier, forever. 🙂

PS: I guess I really needed to vent. No way was this post supposed to be this long!